I can't really explain this mood I'm in right now, except for two words: it sucks.
(Okay, maybe a few more.)
Ever since I got home from my friend's house today, I've been feeling rather numb and dead tree-like on the inside. It isn't sadness or anger or even worry/fear (which I've experienced a lot of these past couple of weeks)... it's absolutely nothing. Like a cold wind is blowing through the branches of my soul and slowly freezing over my heart.
(Alright, I know that was a little dramatic, but I think you get the picture.)
As my dear friend Rachel Rush would put it: "I'm a full-time Debbie Downasaur livin' the hot mess life in Emoland, Pennsylvania." Or something like that.
Although I'm pretty sure the main reason for my unwarranted crankiness is sleep deprivation, it's really starting to hit me that a) with the amount of schoolwork and workwork I have this week, my spring break is basically non-existent, b) there is 33% chance that I could be stuck working at the grocery store this summer and develop the mentality of a 50-year-old woman before my third semester of college, and c) all this cold weather (aka my excuse to transform into a gluttonous sloth) has caused me to fit into my old gray skinny-not-skinny jeans. Snugly. No bueno.
The thing is, I've been experiencing these constant mood swings for the past week. One minute I'm all "Hooray for rainbow swirls and sugarplum fairies! :D" and the next minute I'm spiraling into the dark abyss of despair/contemplating everything that's wrong in the world (and by world I mean my life). I can't even put my finger on what causes the sudden change in attitude- it just happens. I could be in an overall above average mood all day and then collapse onto the couch with my mom and cry into my teddy bear's fur until 1 AM for no logical reason (which actually happened about a week ago.) The only thing I can do about it besides pray and read my Bible and hope for it to pass is to try and sleep it off, which usually works pretty well (unless of course I have insomnia for three nights in a row, which also happened last week.)
I think the best comparison for me right now is to Lotso Huggin' Bear in Toy Story 3: one minute he's all cuddly strawberry-scented sweetness, the next minute something snaps and he goes on a tyrannical toy-slaughtering rampage.
...hopefully I don't turn out as bad as Lotso.
-Kati
Monday, March 18, 2013
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Epiphanies in Barnes & Noble.
Song to listen to while reading this blog post: It's Time by Imagine Dragons.
Bible verse to read before/after reading this blog post: Matthew 6:33.
Yesterday began like any other Friday.
Well okay, not really.
Yesterday my mom and I went to the mall. For those of you who personally know me and/or my mother, you'll know that this was definitely not the start of a typical Friday. In fact, this wasn't the start of a typical anyday because, quite simply, we never go to the mall. Maybe twice a year, and that's a rarity. My mom prefers to stick to small, inexpensive department stores (i.e. Kohl's) when it comes to clothes shopping, and she avoids going to the mall as much as possible because, quite frankly, she hates it. Hates it with every fiber in her body.
To be honest, I think I inherited some of those fibers too. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I've always fallen short of the American female standard when it comes to Enjoyment of Shopping. Maybe it's because growing up I always went with my mom or sister or, God forbid, my entire family (I don't care who you are, clothes shopping with six other people who share your DNA would ruin it for you too), but I've always seen shopping as tiresome, stressful, and self-esteem killing. Only recently has going with friends begun to change this perspective, but I'll still take going out to eat or seeing a movie over having mental breakdowns in a changing room anyday.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a total failure as a female. There are a few exceptions to my feelings towards shopping, and they include Bath and Body Works, Hallmark, and bookstores.
Emphasis on the bookstores.
Back to the story at hand. So the whole point of me going shopping with my mom was to try to find something fancy-casual to wear to an upcoming scholarship banquet while she returned my sister's unwanted homecoming dresses. Well, after a discouragingly unsuccessful trip to Macy's, we decided it would be best to part ways for a while and hopefully reunite in brighter spirits. While my mother ventured into Target to face the daunting task of picking out a gift for our cousin's fiance's bridal shower, I casually wandered over to the two-story Barnes & Noble's nearby.
Now, I said before that I like bookstores. Love, even. And I've been to that Barnes and Noble before; it wasn't like walking into it was an entirely new experience for me. But there was something about the moment I stepped through those double doors that felt like taking a breath of fresh air. I had been feeling somewhat down on myself after being surrounded by pictures of too-thin models and impossibly perfect mannequins for almost an hour, and in an instant that was gone.
Instead I found myself overwhelmed by an inexplicable feeling of warmth and nostalgia. It was like the pages themselves were welcoming me home, inviting me to settle down and stay awhile.
I kid you not, I walked around that place for an hour, just taking it all in. I probably looked like I was in some sort of blissful, drug-induced trance. Everywhere I looked I saw the colors, words, and paperback bindings of people like me who had followed their hearts and fought every step of the way to make sure their dreams became a reality.
I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on me and woken me up from a long, dreamless sleep. Suddenly, it was so clear to me.
This is it. This is what I want to do with my life.
I've wanted to write books for as long as I can remember. Author and Artist were always my top two career choices, and yet, for some reason, I've been hesitant to pursue those passions. Maybe it's because I was afraid that I was being pushed by other people's opinions (I can't even tell you how many times I've been asked by my English teachers "So do you plan to go into the writing business?"), or maybe it's because I was afraid of making the wrong choice. I've always been careful when it comes to decision-making, which is probably why I'm at a community college. It's probably why I only shop at department stores. It's probably why, at times, I feel like I'm stuck in a wheel that never stops spinning.
What if I fail? What if I regret? What if I disappoint? What if? What if? What if?
And all of those what if's are almost always followed by if only's.
If only I had tried. If only I had trusted. If only I had done.
If only. If only. If only.
Well, I'm done with the what if's. I'm finished with the if only's. It's time to start pursuing my passions. It's time to start chasing after my dreams. It's time to start figuring out who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.
It's time to begin.
-Kati
(And now, on a Jesus-esque note: I truly believe that God lays desires in people's hearts for a reason. I think He gives us the tools we need to follow our dreams, then stands back and watches His plan unfold before His very eyes, giving us guidance when we feel lost and encouragement when we fall. If you could pray for me to look to Him for direction as I search for the next step to take in my life, strength to carry on when times are tough or His will seems unclear, and peace to make the most of every single day He blesses me with, I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much. :) )
Bible verse to read before/after reading this blog post: Matthew 6:33.
Yesterday began like any other Friday.
Well okay, not really.
Yesterday my mom and I went to the mall. For those of you who personally know me and/or my mother, you'll know that this was definitely not the start of a typical Friday. In fact, this wasn't the start of a typical anyday because, quite simply, we never go to the mall. Maybe twice a year, and that's a rarity. My mom prefers to stick to small, inexpensive department stores (i.e. Kohl's) when it comes to clothes shopping, and she avoids going to the mall as much as possible because, quite frankly, she hates it. Hates it with every fiber in her body.
To be honest, I think I inherited some of those fibers too. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I've always fallen short of the American female standard when it comes to Enjoyment of Shopping. Maybe it's because growing up I always went with my mom or sister or, God forbid, my entire family (I don't care who you are, clothes shopping with six other people who share your DNA would ruin it for you too), but I've always seen shopping as tiresome, stressful, and self-esteem killing. Only recently has going with friends begun to change this perspective, but I'll still take going out to eat or seeing a movie over having mental breakdowns in a changing room anyday.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a total failure as a female. There are a few exceptions to my feelings towards shopping, and they include Bath and Body Works, Hallmark, and bookstores.
Emphasis on the bookstores.
Back to the story at hand. So the whole point of me going shopping with my mom was to try to find something fancy-casual to wear to an upcoming scholarship banquet while she returned my sister's unwanted homecoming dresses. Well, after a discouragingly unsuccessful trip to Macy's, we decided it would be best to part ways for a while and hopefully reunite in brighter spirits. While my mother ventured into Target to face the daunting task of picking out a gift for our cousin's fiance's bridal shower, I casually wandered over to the two-story Barnes & Noble's nearby.
Now, I said before that I like bookstores. Love, even. And I've been to that Barnes and Noble before; it wasn't like walking into it was an entirely new experience for me. But there was something about the moment I stepped through those double doors that felt like taking a breath of fresh air. I had been feeling somewhat down on myself after being surrounded by pictures of too-thin models and impossibly perfect mannequins for almost an hour, and in an instant that was gone.
Instead I found myself overwhelmed by an inexplicable feeling of warmth and nostalgia. It was like the pages themselves were welcoming me home, inviting me to settle down and stay awhile.
I kid you not, I walked around that place for an hour, just taking it all in. I probably looked like I was in some sort of blissful, drug-induced trance. Everywhere I looked I saw the colors, words, and paperback bindings of people like me who had followed their hearts and fought every step of the way to make sure their dreams became a reality.
I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on me and woken me up from a long, dreamless sleep. Suddenly, it was so clear to me.
This is it. This is what I want to do with my life.
I've wanted to write books for as long as I can remember. Author and Artist were always my top two career choices, and yet, for some reason, I've been hesitant to pursue those passions. Maybe it's because I was afraid that I was being pushed by other people's opinions (I can't even tell you how many times I've been asked by my English teachers "So do you plan to go into the writing business?"), or maybe it's because I was afraid of making the wrong choice. I've always been careful when it comes to decision-making, which is probably why I'm at a community college. It's probably why I only shop at department stores. It's probably why, at times, I feel like I'm stuck in a wheel that never stops spinning.
What if I fail? What if I regret? What if I disappoint? What if? What if? What if?
And all of those what if's are almost always followed by if only's.
If only I had tried. If only I had trusted. If only I had done.
If only. If only. If only.
Well, I'm done with the what if's. I'm finished with the if only's. It's time to start pursuing my passions. It's time to start chasing after my dreams. It's time to start figuring out who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.
It's time to begin.
-Kati
(And now, on a Jesus-esque note: I truly believe that God lays desires in people's hearts for a reason. I think He gives us the tools we need to follow our dreams, then stands back and watches His plan unfold before His very eyes, giving us guidance when we feel lost and encouragement when we fall. If you could pray for me to look to Him for direction as I search for the next step to take in my life, strength to carry on when times are tough or His will seems unclear, and peace to make the most of every single day He blesses me with, I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much. :) )
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Settle down, it'll all be clear.
"Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down; if you get lost you can always be found. Just know you're not alone, I'm gonna make this place your home."
So I'm not much of a country fan, but recently I've come to adore Phillip Phillips' (pause for giggling) new single, "Home." First of all, the guy has this really raw, soulful voice that's amazing to hear considering the fact that he's about my age (at least he looks that way in the picture), and second of all, he's a downright cutie. There's just somethin' about those country boys :)
The main reason I love the song so much, though, isn't really about the singer. It's about the lyrics. (I know, crazy right? There are still people out there who listen to a song for the lyrics?! I'll give you a moment to let your mind recover from being blown.)
So anywho. I already wrote the chorus out up above, but the rest of the song has pretty much the same message- this guy is promising this girl that he's going to protect her and keep her safe, yadda yadda yadda. He's basically letting her know that she has nothing to be afraid of, that she can trust him with the rest of her life, etc. Those are some pretty heavy promises coming from a guy who's barely even an adult.
When I first heard this song, I imagined it being sung to me by my future husband just after we've gotten married. (You know, it really sucks to be a girl. You can't listen to ANYTHING without somehow relating it to your own love life... or lack thereof. -__-) But the more I thought about it and listened to the lyrics, the more I began to think of it as being sung to me by God. I mean, who else can promise eternal peace and security? Not any man that I've met or ever will, that's for sure. And when he says that he's going to "make this place my home...," well, it makes me think of heaven. The place where my Creator is waiting for me with open arms, and until that day comes, is smiling down on me and whispering in my ear: "Just know you're not alone." That's a pretty comforting thought, isn't it?
I'll leave you on this note: "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." -John 14:3
-Kati
P.S. I'd still love for my future husband to sing this to me. :)
So I'm not much of a country fan, but recently I've come to adore Phillip Phillips' (pause for giggling) new single, "Home." First of all, the guy has this really raw, soulful voice that's amazing to hear considering the fact that he's about my age (at least he looks that way in the picture), and second of all, he's a downright cutie. There's just somethin' about those country boys :)
The main reason I love the song so much, though, isn't really about the singer. It's about the lyrics. (I know, crazy right? There are still people out there who listen to a song for the lyrics?! I'll give you a moment to let your mind recover from being blown.)
So anywho. I already wrote the chorus out up above, but the rest of the song has pretty much the same message- this guy is promising this girl that he's going to protect her and keep her safe, yadda yadda yadda. He's basically letting her know that she has nothing to be afraid of, that she can trust him with the rest of her life, etc. Those are some pretty heavy promises coming from a guy who's barely even an adult.
When I first heard this song, I imagined it being sung to me by my future husband just after we've gotten married. (You know, it really sucks to be a girl. You can't listen to ANYTHING without somehow relating it to your own love life... or lack thereof. -__-) But the more I thought about it and listened to the lyrics, the more I began to think of it as being sung to me by God. I mean, who else can promise eternal peace and security? Not any man that I've met or ever will, that's for sure. And when he says that he's going to "make this place my home...," well, it makes me think of heaven. The place where my Creator is waiting for me with open arms, and until that day comes, is smiling down on me and whispering in my ear: "Just know you're not alone." That's a pretty comforting thought, isn't it?
I'll leave you on this note: "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." -John 14:3
-Kati
P.S. I'd still love for my future husband to sing this to me. :)
Monday, May 21, 2012
So...
Can I take just a moment to blog about how much I love life?
Seriously, I have felt more blessed these past few days than I can remember feeling in a really long time. The best part about it is that I'm not on some temporary spiritual/emotional high or anything like that. I'm really, truly, genuinely overwhelmed with gratitude to God. These past couple of nights I've just lied in bed and thought, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you," over and over and over again because there's just nothing else to say to Him.
This weekend had its fair share of challenges, and I don't mean that in a little way. Being attacked by allergies the day of senior prom, feeling like you're about to hurl after taking one too many allergy pills on a nearly empty stomach, almost getting lost on the way to your best friend's house to comfort her after a bad breakup thanks to some very confusing GPS directions, and staying up until almost 1 o' clock the night before going on a day trip to Washington D.C. working on a creative writing assignment that you end up having to redo because you didn't save it correctly and you're already run down by sickness and exhaustion in the first place... well, they may not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but lemme tell ya, after the last one happened I was one more disaster away from checking myself into an insane asylum.
But through the ups and the downs, you know what I kept telling myself? "It's just the way I like it." Honest to God (you can ask Him yourself!), I repeated that phrase in my head so many times this weekend it wasn't even close to being funny. Normally this type of attitude lasts for... eh, maybe five seconds or so, and then it's back to my Debbie Downer pity party throwing self.
But not this time. This time, I was able to say the words and actually mean them. I put my trust in God through every single bump in the road, and guess what? He delivered.
Gotta love that guy.
-Kati
Seriously, I have felt more blessed these past few days than I can remember feeling in a really long time. The best part about it is that I'm not on some temporary spiritual/emotional high or anything like that. I'm really, truly, genuinely overwhelmed with gratitude to God. These past couple of nights I've just lied in bed and thought, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you," over and over and over again because there's just nothing else to say to Him.
This weekend had its fair share of challenges, and I don't mean that in a little way. Being attacked by allergies the day of senior prom, feeling like you're about to hurl after taking one too many allergy pills on a nearly empty stomach, almost getting lost on the way to your best friend's house to comfort her after a bad breakup thanks to some very confusing GPS directions, and staying up until almost 1 o' clock the night before going on a day trip to Washington D.C. working on a creative writing assignment that you end up having to redo because you didn't save it correctly and you're already run down by sickness and exhaustion in the first place... well, they may not seem like much in the grand scheme of things, but lemme tell ya, after the last one happened I was one more disaster away from checking myself into an insane asylum.
But through the ups and the downs, you know what I kept telling myself? "It's just the way I like it." Honest to God (you can ask Him yourself!), I repeated that phrase in my head so many times this weekend it wasn't even close to being funny. Normally this type of attitude lasts for... eh, maybe five seconds or so, and then it's back to my Debbie Downer pity party throwing self.
But not this time. This time, I was able to say the words and actually mean them. I put my trust in God through every single bump in the road, and guess what? He delivered.
Gotta love that guy.
-Kati
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Whoa there God... you got me.
So, for a really really long time this year, I was angry. I was hurt. I was jealous. I was bitter. I was cupping all of these painful emotions in my palms and refusing to let them go even though I knew I had to if I ever wanted to live freely in Christ. But some stubborn little corner of my being with a really strong grip wouldn't let that happen... not without a fight at least.
To be honest, I'm not really sure what brought about the change. I don't remember ever having a ginormous epiphany and being like "OMG! I don't have to be angry anymore! Yay for happiness and rainbows!" I think it was a gradual process of God slowly loosening my fingers from around the need I felt for justification until, finally, I didn't feel it anymore.
And you know what? It feels great.
To be honest, I'm not really sure what brought about the change. I don't remember ever having a ginormous epiphany and being like "OMG! I don't have to be angry anymore! Yay for happiness and rainbows!" I think it was a gradual process of God slowly loosening my fingers from around the need I felt for justification until, finally, I didn't feel it anymore.
And you know what? It feels great.
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Glass Surface
Her world is made of porcelain,
One fall and it
Shatters.
Pick up the pieces, glue them together
"There now, see? All better,"
She tells herself
As the wheel continues spinning, spinning
Spinning
Out of her control.
Here she sheds a tear, there
A muffled sob
But she will not let herself be
Broken, no
No one must see
The cracks in the porcelain.
One fall and it
Shatters.
Pick up the pieces, glue them together
"There now, see? All better,"
She tells herself
As the wheel continues spinning, spinning
Spinning
Out of her control.
Here she sheds a tear, there
A muffled sob
But she will not let herself be
Broken, no
No one must see
The cracks in the porcelain.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Why is it that I always want what I can't have?
Seriously. It's driving me nuts. Why can't I just be content with the countless blessings I've been given? For some reason, I always seem to be able to find that one that that's just out of my reach and dwell on it until I make myself miserable. Whether it's a person that no matter how hard I try to make like me doesn't or material stuff that I know neither I nor my parents can afford, I always tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive. Who cares what my best friend's boyfriend thinks of me? All that should matter is that I have that friend, right? Who cares if I don't have unlimited internet on my phone (or internet at all for that matter) or the latest pair of Ugg boots (or Ugg boots at all for that matter)? I have a phone with unlimited texting (and I have a computer AND an iPod I can use for internet anyway), and I have some pretty darn cute Sketchers boots. I have so, SO much to be thankful for.
Yet for some reason, it never seems to be enough.
WHY?
Yet for some reason, it never seems to be enough.
WHY?
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