Song to listen to while reading this blog post: It's Time by Imagine Dragons.
Bible verse to read before/after reading this blog post: Matthew 6:33.
Yesterday began like any other Friday.
Well okay, not really.
Yesterday my mom and I went to the mall. For those of you who personally know me and/or my mother, you'll know that this was definitely not the start of a typical Friday. In fact, this wasn't the start of a typical anyday because, quite simply, we never go to the mall. Maybe twice a year, and that's a rarity. My mom prefers to stick to small, inexpensive department stores (i.e. Kohl's) when it comes to clothes shopping, and she avoids going to the mall as much as possible because, quite frankly, she hates it. Hates it with every fiber in her body.
To be honest, I think I inherited some of those fibers too. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I've always fallen short of the American female standard when it comes to Enjoyment of Shopping. Maybe it's because growing up I always went with my mom or sister or, God forbid, my entire family (I don't care who you are, clothes shopping with six other people who share your DNA would ruin it for you too), but I've always seen shopping as tiresome, stressful, and self-esteem killing. Only recently has going with friends begun to change this perspective, but I'll still take going out to eat or seeing a movie over having mental breakdowns in a changing room anyday.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a total failure as a female. There are a few exceptions to my feelings towards shopping, and they include Bath and Body Works, Hallmark, and bookstores.
Emphasis on the bookstores.
Back to the story at hand. So the whole point of me going shopping with my mom was to try to find something fancy-casual to wear to an upcoming scholarship banquet while she returned my sister's unwanted homecoming dresses. Well, after a discouragingly unsuccessful trip to Macy's, we decided it would be best to part ways for a while and hopefully reunite in brighter spirits. While my mother ventured into Target to face the daunting task of picking out a gift for our cousin's fiance's bridal shower, I casually wandered over to the two-story Barnes & Noble's nearby.
Now, I said before that I like bookstores. Love, even. And I've been to that Barnes and Noble before; it wasn't like walking into it was an entirely new experience for me. But there was something about the moment I stepped through those double doors that felt like taking a breath of fresh air. I had been feeling somewhat down on myself after being surrounded by pictures of too-thin models and impossibly perfect mannequins for almost an hour, and in an instant that was gone.
Instead I found myself overwhelmed by an inexplicable feeling of warmth and nostalgia. It was like the pages themselves were welcoming me home, inviting me to settle down and stay awhile.
I kid you not, I walked around that place for an hour, just taking it all in. I probably looked like I was in some sort of blissful, drug-induced trance. Everywhere I looked I saw the colors, words, and paperback bindings of people like me who had followed their hearts and fought every step of the way to make sure their dreams became a reality.
I felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water on me and woken me up from a long, dreamless sleep. Suddenly, it was so clear to me.
This is it. This is what I want to do with my life.
I've wanted to write books for as long as I can remember. Author and Artist were always my top two career choices, and yet, for some reason, I've been hesitant to pursue those passions. Maybe it's because I was afraid that I was being pushed by other people's opinions (I can't even tell you how many times I've been asked by my English teachers "So do you plan to go into the writing business?"), or maybe it's because I was afraid of making the wrong choice. I've always been careful when it comes to decision-making, which is probably why I'm at a community college. It's probably why I only shop at department stores. It's probably why, at times, I feel like I'm stuck in a wheel that never stops spinning.
What if I fail? What if I regret? What if I disappoint? What if? What if? What if?
And all of those what if's are almost always followed by if only's.
If only I had tried. If only I had trusted. If only I had done.
If only. If only. If only.
Well, I'm done with the what if's. I'm finished with the if only's. It's time to start pursuing my passions. It's time to start chasing after my dreams. It's time to start figuring out who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.
It's time to begin.
-Kati
(And now, on a Jesus-esque note: I truly believe that God lays desires in people's hearts for a reason. I think He gives us the tools we need to follow our dreams, then stands back and watches His plan unfold before His very eyes, giving us guidance when we feel lost and encouragement when we fall. If you could pray for me to look to Him for direction as I search for the next step to take in my life, strength to carry on when times are tough or His will seems unclear, and peace to make the most of every single day He blesses me with, I would really appreciate it. Thanks so much. :) )
